Missing my babies!

I find myself wondering how I ended up living so very far away from my children and grandbabies.  It happened years back when I learned my ex was having an affair.  We had lived together for 22 years and it was obvious the relationship had outlived anything good that had once survived in the lengthy duration of emotional abuse for me.  Alcohol played a huge role in his daily life which became absolutely intolerable to me as I reached closer and closer to our Heavenly Father.


I tried staying in the house we had just purchased but emotionally I was just too distraught to continue on with my job or to be responsible in almost any way.  I was lost.  I was disconnected from life.  I needed to come home to Minnesota, to my roots.  I needed to touch base with my younger years and those people who I was close to in childhood.  I suffered from abdominal pain daily for fifteen months.  My GI doc said it was esophageal spasms from my stress.  This was 2001.


I came home and left my four adult children in Phoenix.  Fast forward to May of 2002.


As I learned to live on my own without my children, grandchildren (2) and ex around life changed hugely for me.  I fell in love with living alone but still was lonely.  Menopause was creeping into my body and I was torn between two lives.  That of a Christian and that of a slightly more loose lifestyle than a Christian (a good way to put it).  I learned how to live alone and not be lonely.  I was dating a man who put me on a pedestal and after an entire lifetime of emotional abuse it was so very refreshing.  But, there is always a but.  He was a closet drinker and could hold more liquor in him while still behaving sober than anyone I had ever known.  That ended my relationship with him but taught me there are good men in the world who would treat me well.  He was a drunk and I had enough of that in my lifetime.


My furnace died in the cute little house I had bought for myself and a propane heater caused poisoning in me. Carbon monoxide!  Eight months later I fell into a deep sleep after a long difficult winter with numerous infections, illnesses, etc.  My heart started acting up and this was the beginning of my chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia.  I have been sick since.  I lost my job, my house, my car, everything in life.  But one of my symptoms has been continuous profound sweats and fatigue.  Many other issues plagued me daily but I survived somehow.  In the meantime, my family all lived in Phoenix but the insane heat of the Valley of the Sun was too much for me to tolerate living in.  I remained in Minnesota for years, all the while having new grandbabies coming into the world.

Vacations, with my illnesses, generally happened in the winter giving me a much needed break from the intense Minnesota winters but my illnesses prevented me from being able to truly enjoy my grandbabies.  I was always too weak, in pain or sleeping.  I loved my grandbabies but had to keep them at arms length to prevent horrific relapses.


So,  today my twelfth grandbaby was born and as much as I would love to be there to hold him it would be very short lived.  But my new husband, who loves me despite my illnesses, and I, will be purchasing a motorhome and traveling year round.  It is that future that I cling to where I can have my home very near them on wheels.  When I can spend time with them for short spurts and return to the privacy of my protective home.  Sad, but true.  One day I hope they will find a cause and a cure for my CFS and FM, but that day may be in the distance.  I am sixty years old now.  My fifties robbed me of life.  But my faith sustains me and without God in my life, it would be extremely difficult to remain on this earth.


Dylan will be young enough for me to totally enjoy once we travel in the motorhome.  My husband’s back is suffering from trashed disks.  He can drive yet but may not be able to down the line for too long.  I know God will grace us with much goodness and love!  Thanks for taking the time to review my years briskly but thoroughly.







6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Just Another F-Bomb
    Oct 26, 2013 @ 13:00:37

    Enjoy that motorhome and those grandbabies, you must be so excited! 🙂


  2. juliaschopickhonestmedicine
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 05:47:52

    Your positive attitude is very refreshing, especially considering all you have been through. Best wishes! ~Julia Schopick


  3. Shantell
    Oct 30, 2013 @ 17:55:48

    It’s hard on all of us.


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October 2013

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